


Oceans

by mandymay21



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Artist Castiel, Bad Writing, Best Friends, College, Crying Dean, Dean Has Abandonment Issues, Dean Has Self-Esteem Issues, Dean Has Self-Worth Issues, Designer Castiel, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Fluff, F/M, Fighter Dean, Friends to Lovers, Hurt Dean Winchester, Insecure Dean, Jealous Dean, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Misunderstandings, Musician Dean, Mutual Pining, My First Fanfic, Oblivious Castiel, Oblivious Dean, Pining Castiel, Pining Dean, Protective Castiel, Songfic, Supportive Castiel, Supportive Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-08-24 03:47:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8355835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandymay21/pseuds/mandymay21
Summary: Looking over the city of Chicago, Dean recalls his relationship with his best friend, Cas, over the years. He has watched Cas grow closer to someone new, and he knows it's time to let him go. But it doesn't mean he has to like it. Inspired by the song "Oceans" by Seafret (GO LISTEN - IT'S BEAUTIFUL)This is my first fic, so please let me know what you think! :)





	1. Dean

Dean sat on his balcony that overlooked the city. Chicago was beautiful, and ever since he had moved into this apartment 5 years ago he’d spent a lot of his time out here just taking it all in. Summer was ending, and Dean knew that soon enough it would be too cold to continue this ritual. He took a long drink and set the beer bottle back on the table at his side. He resumed lightly plucking the strings of his guitar, and returned to the thoughts that seemed to plague him constantly. Thoughts about Cas.

He didn’t know when it had started. They met in art school, nearly 10 years ago now. Dean was studying audio production, over 500 miles from home, when he met Cas. They lived across the hall from each other, and they hit it off right away. Where Dean preferred Vonnegut, Cas was always quoting Keats or Wordsworth. God, Dean couldn’t tell you how many times he had been forced to hear _The World is too Much With Us_. Cas had liked to recite it in a dramatic soliloquy any time he felt that Dean was spending too much time on his phone or playing video games, which Dean thought was pretty ironic considering Cas was studying to be a graphic designer. Dean had been horrified when Cas had explained that his favorite sci-fi was X Files, ( _“seriously Cas?” “Dean, Fox Mulder is my spirit animal.”_ ) and quickly educated Cas on all things Star Wars ( _“Did you know that many people believe Darth Vader to be based off Hitler?” “Cas, please, just watch the movie.” “But Dean, there are many similarities.”_ ). Even now, Dean refuses to admit X Files had made its way into his top ten as well. Despite their differences, they soon became inseparable.

Dean felt a smile grow on his face as he recalled their college years. Everything was so easy with Cas, Dean felt like he had known him all his life.

Cas always came into the coffee shop while Dean was working to do his designing homework. He spent most of the time looking up despicable puns and laughing evilly when Dean groaned out loud after hearing them. ( _“Did you hear the joke about German sausage?” “Cas, I swear to God-” “It was the wurst!” “Oh come on, dude!”_ ). Dean always wondered how much work Cas actually got done, but he never brought it up because the days Cas came to the shop were his favorite.

Sometimes Cas would have a particularly hard day and he’d ask Dean to play him something, anything, to ‘remind him of the good things in life’. He’d lay on the floor beside Dean, eyes closed, and a content smile would take over his previously stressed face. Pretty soon, Cas didn’t even have to ask. If Dean noticed Cas acting a little off, he’d just grab his guitar and start playing. They didn’t need words most of the time, and as the years passed, they only grew closer.

After college Dean began to struggle. While Cas had an internship lined up, Dean had just been informed that Sam had gotten into Stanford. _The_ Stanford. Sam was so excited, and Dean was happy for him. It hit Dean about a day later that he’d need to find a job that paid enough so he’d be able to help Sam out. He needed a job that paid way more than any of the internships he’d been offered. Cas had walked in on a major freak-out session, and after calming Dean down, had started helping him look for better paying jobs in the area. One night at his favorite bar after hours spent with no luck in finding that kind of job, he’d dumped his worries on Benny, the bartender he’d become friends with over the course of his visits. That was when Benny had offered to manage Dean in some fights. The pay was good, and as Benny said; Dean did know how to ‘knock a few skulls around’. Suddenly, Dean’s future office was no longer a music studio, now it was a boxing arena. Sam had been upset when Dean told him, and had tried to talk him out of it, even bringing in Bobby in an effort to change his mind. Cas had just nodded and Dean knew that he understood why Dean had to do this. It was Cas’ support that kept Dean from feeling overwhelmed. He kept him sane.

Dean didn’t know when his feelings for Cas had grown into something more. It had to have been after Lisa left him. While in college, Dean had never seen Cas show interest in someone. He never flirted, or went on dates. Dean had took it to mean that Cas was asexual or aromantic or something. It was fine with Dean, some people just didn’t feel that way about others. He never brought it up, figuring if Cas wanted to talk about it, he’d say something. Dean, on the other hand, frequented the bars and had no problem flirting and ‘having fun’ with anyone looking for a good time. That was how he’d met Lisa during his second year. They’d hit it off and as time went on, Dean had thought maybe she would be the one. However, after nearly 4 years together she’d left him. She said she couldn’t watch him do this to himself anymore. She said that one day, boxing would kill him, and she didn’t want to be there when it did. And she’d walked out. Dean couldn’t hate her. But he could hate himself. And he did.

Dean spent the next week drunk out of his mind. Cas was there for him then, too. He had come over for their weekly film night and found Dean on the couch with bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks. After getting the reason for this out of Dean, Cas had called Benny and made him postpone any upcoming fights. He had then gotten Dean into the shower and cleaned up the empty beer bottles and near empty whiskey bottles. After ordering a pizza, he went to check on Dean and had found him sitting on his bed, crying. After feeling Cas sit next to him, Dean had choked out a strained “Why aren’t I good enough, Cas?” When Cas said he _was_ good enough, Dean scoffed before whispering, “Everyone leaves me.” He cleared his throat before continuing, “First dad, then Sammy, and now Lisa. I don’t know what I do wrong, Cas.”

Cas waited until Dean looked up before he spoke; “Dean, you are a very good man. Not many people would do what you’ve done. As a child you took on the role of a parent to help your family recover from a devastating loss. When we were in college you were always there for me. Honestly, I don’t know if I would have gotten through without you. You put aside your personal dreams in order to put your younger brother through college, and Sam is grateful to have you. Dean, you even take care of your opponents after your fights. I don’t think anyone _but_ a good man would do that.” Cas put his hand on Dean’s shoulder and continued, “Even if you run out and do something stupid, I’ll just wait here, Dean. You’ll never make me leave.”

Cas had stayed with him that night, making sure he ate the pizza when it arrived, and keeping the bottle out of his hand. He had held him when Dean broke down again. This time he held him close and just let him get it out. After Dean had calmed down again, Cas lead him up to his room. He helped Dean get into bed, covered him up, then got in beside him. When Dean started to cry again, Cas pulled him close and began reciting Keats’ _Ode to Sleep_ softly until Dean finally succumbed.

Looking back, Dean could see that it was after that night that he had started to see Cas differently. He stopped strumming his guitar and took another long swig from his drink. He rubbed his hands over his eyes, and sighed. Although he hadn’t really believed what Cas had told him, that night he’d realized how much Cas cared about him. He hadn’t ever had someone who thought he was worth it. That’s why the situation he was in now hurt so badly.

Dean had noticed when Cas started spending more and more time with Inias. It was 3 years after the night Lisa left him, and Dean had fallen completely in love with Cas. Cas and Inias were coworkers at the design company Cas had been hired at after college. As much as Dean wanted to hate Inias for stealing Cas away from him, he couldn’t. Inias was kind, funny, and caring. He was a truly good person, better than Dean, anyway. Dean could see how happy the other man made Cas, and so he squashed down his jealousy and gave them their space.

Dean began declining Cas’ invitations to go to the movies, to the aquarium, out for drinks. Trying to keep his expression even, he’d suggest Cas take Inias. Cas’ confused and hurt looks would nearly make him crumble and take it back, but he never did. Instead, he’d go to bars and pick up anyone he could. He’d spend an hour or two with the pick of the night, trying to get his mind off whatever Cas could be doing with Inias. But it never worked. He’d return to his empty apartment and the quiet would suffocate him. Some nights he’d go out driving for hours, letting the darkness surround him. Other nights he’d take out his frustration on the windows of abandoned buildings, or exhaust himself spending hours with his punching bag. But most nights he’d just go home and work on getting so drunk he couldn’t see straight, let alone think about Cas and his ocean-blue eyes.

Dean thought he could handle it. He thought he could let Inias have Cas, and let Cas be happy. But then he had gone over to Cas’ apartment last week for one of their movie nights and had opened the door to see Cas and Inias kissing in the kitchen. Inias’ hands were in Cas’ dark hair, and Cas had his hands on Inias’ chest. The first thing Dean had thought was ‘ _guess he does think about people that way_.’ He quickly left without a sound, leaving them undisturbed. That night he had turned his knuckles bloody and purple from hitting the wall instead of his punching bag. 

Dean backed off even more after that night. He started rejecting all invitations to spend time with Cas, even their movie nights. He knew that Cas didn’t understand why and that it was hurting him, but he couldn’t do it. It was killing him to see Cas with someone that wasn’t Dean. He hadn’t been prepared for how much it would hurt.

Of course, Sam and Benny had known about his feelings for Cas. A year ago Dean had brought up a ‘hypothetical’ situation with Benny about a guy being in love with his best friend and not knowing what to do. Benny had chuckled and said, “Brother, I’m pretty sure Cas loves you too.” Cutting off Dean’s denial, Benny continued; “I’ve never seen a more supportive and caring ‘friend’. He comes to every fight, and if the other guy gets lucky and you get hit, Cas pushes the medic out of the way to check on you himself. And the way he looks at you, I mean, it’s pretty obvious, cher.”

Sam had just brought it up out of the blue one day, saying he _does_ have eyes. That he could see how much Dean loved Cas. When Dean tried to change the subject, Sam had gotten frustrated and said he didn’t know why Dean was doing this to himself. He asked why Dean didn’t just tell Cas how he felt. Dean had just sighed and said “Sammy, I can’t…” Sam had thankfully dropped the subject, but not before looking at Dean with sad eyes and saying “Dean, you deserve to be happy too.” Maybe so, Dean thought, but just because you love someone doesn't mean you should stick around and screw up their life. 

Dean looked out over the city, watching the cars weaving in and out of traffic. He could hear the sounds of laughter coming from the apartment below him. He could smell the burgers from the restaurant down the street. He closed his eyes and focused on the feeling of the sun’s warmth on his skin. He didn’t believe he deserved Cas.

Not the Cas who volunteered at the animal shelter every other night. The Cas who was fascinated with bees and flowers and stars. The Cas who treated everyone like they were important. Dean didn’t deserve the Cas who treated him as though he wasn’t just a guy who made his money using his fists to talk. The Cas who treated Dean as if he didn’t drink too much and curse too loudly. The Cas who treated Dean as though he was _good_. Dean knew he wasn’t. That point had been driven home years ago. If he was good, dad wouldn’t have left them in that motel. If he was good, he would have been able to help Sam stay in California like he wanted. If he was good, Cas wouldn’t have left him for Inias.

Dean opened his eyes. The world around him remained unchanged. The cars were still speeding, the neighbors were still laughing, and the sun was still shining. He started strumming his guitar again, but this time he softly sang along to the melody:

“I want you

Yeah I want you

And nothing comes close

To the way that I need you

I wish I can feel your skin

And I want you

From somewhere within.”

He let a tear run down his cheek unchecked, as he picked up the pace.

“It feels like there’s oceans

Between me and you once again

We hide our emotions

Under the surface and try to pretend

But it feels like there’s oceans

Between you and me.”

Dean needed to stay away. He needed to stop pulling Cas down with him. Cas deserved better. He deserved to be happy.

And if that meant that Dean would have to step aside and let him go, then he would.

It was for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's part 1. Hope it was interesting. I have part 2 planned out for Cas' POV, and if all goes well it'll make this story a little fluffier. Who knows?


	2. Castiel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel is on his way to Dean's apartment. His best friend has been pushing him away, and now Cas knows why. It's time to talk.

Castiel stepped down from the bus and started walking. The street was bustling with traffic; the sounds and the smells from the crowded sidewalk and nearby restaurants making the city feel alive. The sun was setting, giving everything a golden hue; the colors reminding him of the man he was going to see. Shimmering greens of the park across the street and burnt umber of the nearby brick buildings keeping his brain solely focused on Dean despite the city’s best efforts to distract him. It was four blocks to Dean’s apartment building and Castiel’s heart was pounding in his chest.

These last few months had been, well, terrible. Dean had been steadily pushing Castiel away to the point where during this last week Dean had practically ended their friendship. He declined all of Castiel’s invitations to do anything, didn’t show up for their movie night claiming he ‘forgot’, and responded to Castiel’s texts with one word replies or not at all. Of course, Dean hadn’t _said_ they weren’t friends anymore, but Castiel’s anxiety gladly connected the dots. _He’s finally gotten tired of you. Surprised he held out this long, actually._ For once, Castiel didn’t wholeheartedly agree with these thoughts because the Dean that was acting this way wasn’t the Dean he knew.

~

Castiel met Dean two days into his first semester at college. Castiel was nervous about whether he was doing the right thing by being there. His father had expressed his disappointment in Castiel’s choice to go to school for art instead of economics by cutting him out of his will. Castiel had been informed that his college fund that had been set up by his grandparents was no longer available for him since he wanted to ‘waste’ it anyways. If his older brother Gabriel hadn’t supported his decision and agreed to co-sign a loan, Castiel wouldn’t have been able to go at all. Now that he was there, his anxieties were running rampant - not only regarding his questionable future, but also whether he would make any friends.

Castiel had always been shy and awkward, choosing to hide behind his art instead of reaching out to others. Everything was different with Dean, though. Something about Dean made Castiel feel safe to be himself. Actually, it was everything about Dean.

Dean had a knack for getting people to open up, and Castiel was no exception. From the moment Castiel opened his door to see those shining green eyes and that smile, he had been lost. But in a good way. Around Dean, Castiel felt free. He laughed more, he waxed poetic about the honey bee, he teased Dean about his love for Dr. Sexy, and he _talked_. He told Dean about his home life, his childhood, and his anxieties, and Dean listened. Dean never made Castiel feel like he was overreacting, and when Castiel would have an especially rough day, Dean would drop everything to comfort him.

The first time Dean sang for him, Castiel fell in love. Castiel had failed his last project for a class and the look on his face must have told Dean that he was two minutes away from imploding. Castiel had been forced to lay down on Dean’s lumpy futon as Dean quickly grabbed his guitar from his bedside. As Dean began lightly strumming Castiel closed his eyes and took a deep breath in an attempt to calm down. His eyes shot open when he heard Dean begin to sing. In all the previous times he had played for Castiel, Dean had always refused to sing, saying he didn’t want to ‘ruin the music with his caterwauling’. After the first couple of words, Castiel could tell how utterly misinformed Dean was - his voice was beautiful. “ _You were only waiting for this moment to arise,_ ” Dean sang. As Castiel listened to the lyrics and watched the blushing man in awe, he had no doubt that “Dean Winchester” would be a household name someday. Luckily for Castiel, that was the first of many private concerts he received from Dean.

Unfortunately, that day had also sparked the beginning of Castiel’s now decade-long bout of pining. Previously innocent comments and gestures now made Castiel blush and stumble on his words. Dean’s amused “Morning, sunshine” whenever Castiel hadn’t had his coffee, which had before prompted a grumbled “shut up, Dean” or withering glare, now spread warmth throughout his body. It was all very frustrating.

Castiel had made the mistake of asking Gabriel for advice on how to approach the situation. Honestly, looking back, Castiel didn’t understand why he had expected Gabriel to give real advice. Still, the immediate “bend and snap” demonstration had thoroughly embarrassed Castiel, and he never brought the subject up again. Gabriel never let him forget it however, and chose to bring up Castiel’s crush in every conversation from that point on. Castiel endured Gabriel’s merciless teasing, and just focused on being a good friend to Dean.

Despite the happy and confident persona Dean projected, Castiel could always see the real Dean beneath. He could see how sad Dean looked when he thought no one was watching. He could see the pain on his face and the hurt in his eyes that would blossom when he’d been alone for too long. 

Even though Dean was a great listener, trying to get him to talk made Castiel feel like he was a crooked cop ripping fingernails off of an uncooperative suspect during an interrogation. He hated it and so did Dean, but Castiel still desperately wanted Dean to let him in.

After noticing how Dean would consistently return to his room completely worn out after a shift at the coffee shop, Castiel had decided that he would focus his energy there. He wanted to show Dean that he was there for him, and wanted to help keep him from succumbing to whatever dark thoughts were haunting him. Cas could see the effect his presence had on Dean every time he would see the corners of Dean’s mouth struggling to stay in the frown he’d throw on in response to one of the puns Castiel would announce. In Dean’s eyes Castiel could see how glad Dean was that Castiel was there, and for once, Castiel had felt like he was doing something right.

~

In the past, Dean had always wore his heart on his sleeve. This new Dean had hard eyes, closed off and cold. It was completely different from the Dean he had known for years. 

The sound of his ringtone snapped Castiel out of his head. Fishing out his cell, he saw that Gabriel had texted him. _You got this, Cassie. And tell Dean if he doesn’t pull his head out of his ass I won’t bake him another pie until he’s 90!_

Castiel chuckled and put his phone away. Silently thankful for his brother’s ability to lessen the tension of any situation, Castiel took a deep breath and resumed his walk. He made it about ten steps before deciding to turn back. He had just passed the bar & grill that had been a favorite of theirs since college. As much as Castiel wanted to rush to Dean’s apartment and clear the air, he also knew that Dean probably hadn’t been taking very good care of himself recently. Honestly, Castiel would be surprised if there was any food in Dean’s apartment that was edible.

With that thought in mind, Castiel stepped inside and went to the bar to order their favorites - two doubles with everything, extra bacon for Dean. A small smile appeared on his face as he thought about the many nights he and Dean had spent hours here laughing, drinking too much, and arguing about who shot first (it was Han).

One of those nights had been Castiel’s single largest regret for years.

~

During their second year, Dean had dragged Castiel out for drinks in celebration of the end of midterm season, despite still having one last midterm the following monday. Castiel had been amused at his best friend’s logic, but joined in his excitement for a different reason. Castiel had finally worked up the courage to tell Dean how he felt.

His courage had weakened a bit by the time he was face-to-face with Dean, but he figured a couple of drinks would help him relax and loosen his tongue. So Castiel had decided to wait a bit before confessing. But the night ended without Castiel ever uttering a word on the subject.

Two beers in, Dean had started talking about this girl he had hooked up with a few weeks ago. _Lisa_. Castiel played with his half-empty beer bottle as he listened to a progressively-drunker Dean ramble on about how pretty she was, how funny and smart she was, and how amazing it was that she seemed to like him back.

Castiel felt his heart sinking because _of course Dean is straight_. Castiel wasn’t blind - he saw who Dean chose to take back to his room after a night out. Somehow it just hadn’t clicked until that moment that Castiel’s infatuation might come as an even bigger shock to Dean than he had expected. And would most likely result in an even harsher or more awkward rejection. So Castiel had let it go.

For four years Castiel watched as Dean fell in love with Lisa. He watched as they moved in together after graduation. He helped Dean pick out an engagement ring. Then he helped Dean pick up the pieces after Lisa left.

To this day, Castiel still feels guilty about the initial happiness he felt when Dean told him that Lisa had ended it. Seeing Dean’s devastated and quickly deteriorating state had brought Castiel back to the moment and he had focused on taking care of his heartbroken friend.

That night was the first time Dean had truly opened up to Castiel. It was the first time Castiel had seen Dean cry so openly. It was the first time Castiel had gotten a glimpse of the dark self-hatred and deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy Dean had been harboring. It chilled Castiel to his core and prompted a bout of word vomit that he had been keeping down since that night in the bar.

Castiel had been worried that he had been too obvious with his “I’ll never leave” line, but Dean had seemed comforted by it and had melted into Castiel’s arms. As Castiel held Dean’s crying form, he tried to be angry at Lisa for reducing Dean to the state he was in. But he couldn’t. Castiel couldn’t blame Lisa for leaving - he hated seeing Dean in the ring too.

When Dean had first approached him with the news that he would be fighting, Castiel had nearly cried for him. Knowing that Dean was putting aside his dreams of a music career in order to help Sam achieve his own dreams had broken Castiel’s heart. He had kept his emotions in check when he saw his sadness mirrored in Dean’s eyes. He knew Dean needed him to support him, and he knew Sam and Bobby had probably made it very clear to Dean how stupid they thought his plan was. Castiel knew that in Dean’s eyes this was a no-brainer - after all, Sam was “the smart one”. Despite Castiel’s constant attempts to prove otherwise, Dean still believed that Sam was the one who mattered, and that it was his responsibility to make sure Sam succeeded. No matter how hard he tried, Castiel couldn’t silence John’s voice in Dean’s head.

And so Castiel supported Dean alongside his manager, Benny. As much as he hated seeing Dean fight, he made sure to be front row at each match. It was as much for Dean as it was for himself - he _needed_ to make sure Dean was okay. And the way Dean would search for him in the crowd before each fight almost made up for the anxiousness he felt for the next hour. Almost.

After Sam graduated from Stanford Law, Castiel pushed Dean to apply somewhere else. But by this time, Dean was convinced he’d never be hired anywhere else, that he could never be anything else. “ _Kinda hard to explain six years of an employment gap, Cas. Besides, I was fooling myself in college - I’d never make it out there.”_

So Dean had kept fighting, and Castiel had kept his thoughts to himself. After Lisa, they were closer, but they were still just friends. And Castiel didn’t want to jeopardize that.

~

Castiel thanked the waitress as she brought out their food. Leaving a tip in the cook’s jar, he exited back to the street. He walked towards Dean’s place with renewed purpose. This was about more than finally confessing his feelings to Dean, it was about getting his friend back.

Castiel kicked at a rock as he waited for the streetlight to change. Across the way he could see two guys joking - one of them laughing so hard he was nearly doubled over. They were obviously very good friends, and Castiel was reminded of how he and Dean had been. Before.

The last few months had been confusing and frustrating. Dean rarely accepted any of Castiel’s invitations to hang out, and when they did spend time together, Dean seemed subdued. Castiel hadn’t known why Dean was acting this way.

Castiel had thought maybe he was being too clingy, or maybe he was boring Dean. “ _God, you loser, he doesn’t want to go to another dull museum or watch another nature documentary with you! Can’t you see that?”_ Castiel tried to stop bothering Dean so much, but he couldn’t help it - he always wanted to be around Dean. So Castiel had tried thinking of more Dean-oriented things that they could do.

Then Dean started rejecting him in a different way. 

~

Castiel had recently been promoted, and with that promotion had come a partner he was meant to collaborate with on most of his projects - Inias. Inias was a soft-spoken and kind man that warmed up to Castiel immediately. Inias was always interested in Castiel’s opinion, on anything ranging from their project to which restaurant had the best tiramisu. Castiel couldn’t deny that Inias was handsome, and plenty of people around the office often brought it up since both Castiel and Inias were been open about their sexuality. Castiel had denied any interest in Inias, however. Sure Inias was nice, and yes, he was handsome - but he wasn’t Dean. 

At first, Castiel hadn’t understood why Dean had started pushing him away...towards Inias. He thought maybe Dean had caught on, had picked up on Castiel’s pining. Maybe this was his way of trying not to hurt Castiel’s feelings. But then Castiel had realized how different Dean had been acting.

There was the fake happiness Castiel hadn’t seen since they were in college. The dimmed glow in his eyes, the knuckles that were more bruised than usual, and the near-permanent bottle of alcohol in his hand concerned Castiel. He hadn’t understood why Dean was falling back into this spiral or why he was keeping Castiel out, until he noticed how Dean would shut down when Inias’ name was mentioned. _He wasn’t pushing Castiel towards Inias because he didn’t want Castiel around him. He was pushing Castiel towards Inias because he thought that’s what Castiel wanted._

Castiel figured that Dean’s low self-esteem was playing a major role in his recent actions. That because Castiel was spending more time with Inias, he didn’t have time to spend with Dean. Or, he wouldn’t want to “waste” his time with Dean. Castiel had initially been upset that Dean would think this way, after all they’d been through. He wanted to set Dean straight, and prove that the three of them could be friends, and that he had meant it when he said he’d never leave.

With this objective in mind, Castiel had invited Inias to his and Dean’s weekly Friday movie night. He had it planned perfectly: Dean and Inias would show up; Castiel would finally introduce them; they’d watch the original _Night of the Living Dead_ ; they’d eat pizza while arguing over which classic horror movie was better - _The Exorcist_ or _A Nightmare on Elm Street_ ; Castiel would bring up _Dr. Sexy_ so Dean and Inias could bond over whatever drama was currently plaguing the hospital; Dean would realize that Inias wasn’t stealing Castiel away and would stop distancing himself; they’d eat pie (courtesy of Gabriel) and watch a rerun _X Files_ episode; and as they left, Dean would give Castiel a real smile, one he hadn’t received in nearly three weeks, and everything would work out.

Unfortunately, none of that happened. Dean never showed up.

Inias had arrived about 15 minutes early - a bottle of white wine in hand and a smile on his face. Since this was the first time Inias had been to his apartment, Castiel gave him a brief tour before leading them into the kitchen. They spent a few minutes getting the snacks ready and talking about their favorite poets since Inias had seen Castiel’s bookcase dedicated to poetry. Cas had been looking for his corkscrew so they could open the wine when he felt Inias’ hand on his arm. “ _I’m really glad you invited me tonight, Castiel._ ”

Castiel had turned to see Inias standing right next to him with a soft smile and sparkling eyes. And suddenly, Inias was kissing him. By the time Castiel understood what was happening, Inias had pushed his hands into Castiel’s hair and had pressed their bodies closer together. Brain finally working, Castiel brought his hands up to Inias’ chest and gently, but firmly, pushed.

The words were already escaping his mouth as they broke apart. _“I’m sorry.. I didn’t - I mean… Dean-”_ Castiel had fumbled for an explanation, for a way to explain that he hadn’t realized, hadn’t understood Inias’ advances. Advances that were all too clear in hindsight - inviting Castiel out to lunch _and dinner_ every workday, encouraging their coworkers when they’d make remarks about the two of them, the lingering touches on his back and his arm, _the wine_.

Inias turned red with embarrassment as he put together what Castiel was unsuccessfully trying to say. He took a few steps back and started apologizing before ultimately saying he should go. He promised Castiel he wasn’t upset and had said he’d see him on Monday, and had left.

Castiel had been so overwhelmed he had leaned against his counter for a good ten minutes without realizing. _If you weren’t so socially awkward you would’ve known what was happening. You led him on. Dean was right for thinking what he did._ Castiel had finally checked his cell to see that, yeah, Dean was late which was unusual. Texting Dean proved to be fruitless, and Castiel had spent the remainder of the night curled up watching anything that was on in an attempt to keep him mind off of his own life.

The rest of the week wasn’t any better. Dean hadn’t texted him back until Monday night, and it had been a poor excuse for having missed Friday night. When Castiel tried to make replacement plans, Dean shot him down. Then Dean just stopped responding. Castiel spent the week eating too much pie and wishing Dean would answer.

Everything changed yesterday when Castiel received a phone call from Sam in response to several admittedly desperate-sounding texts he had sent over the week. Castiel had wanted to know if Sam had any idea why Dean was ignoring him, or how he could get Dean to answer him.

During their talk, Sam told Castiel about a phone call he had received from a very drunk and loudly sobbing Dean sometime Friday night.

And suddenly, it all clicked.

~

Castiel walked into the apartment complex lobby and pushed the elevator call button. Twice. Three times. _God, could this thing move any slower?_ Finally, the doors opened and Castiel rushed inside, pressing the button for the 11th floor. The mellow music of the slowly progressing elevator seemed to taunt him, and the doors couldn’t open soon enough.

Walking to Dean’s door, Castiel pulled out the spare key Dean had given him, and lets himself in. Moving through the living room, he does notice a few beer bottles laying around, but nowhere near the amount he had found after Lisa left, so that’s good. The walls are cracked with what Castiel guesses are knuckle indentations, and one of the picture frames is crooked - like it had been removed and replaced frequently. Righting the frame, Castiel sees that it’s the picture of the two of them that they took on graduation day - cheesy grins and rolled up diplomas with their arms on each other’s shoulders.

Smiling, Castiel looks further down the wall and sees the poster he had made for Dean’s 26th birthday. It was a re-imagining of the _Star Wars: Return of the Jedi_ movie poster, but with some alterations. Namely, Dean as Han Solo, Bobby as Obi Wan, Castiel as C-3PO, and Sam as Chewie. Dean had laughed for nearly ten minutes before tightly hugging Castiel and saying how awesome it was. He had hung up the poster that night and it had been hanging there ever since.

Castiel set their bag of food down on the coffee table before turning to look for Dean. His heart was beating hard, but he wasn’t backing down this time. Hearing light music, Castiel immediately knows where Dean is.

Making his way to Dean’s balcony, Castiel hears Dean softly singing:

_I want you_

_And I always will_

_I wish I was worth_

_But I know what you deserve_

_You know I’d rather drown_

_Than to go on without you_

_But you’re pulling me down_  

_It feels like there’s oceans_

_Between you and me once again_

_We hide our emotions_

_Under the surface and try to pretend_

_But it feels like there’s oceans_

_Between you and me_

 At Dean’s pause, Castiel steps onto the balcony. Seeing the other man wiping away tears sends an urgency through Castiel to just _say it_. So he does. He throws out the speech he had been practicing all day at work, and just softly says “I want you too.” 

At his voice, Dean jumps up from his seat and turns around - eyes wide and a slight flush appearing on his cheeks. “Cas…” he says questioningly, like he can’t believe Castiel is here. Or that maybe Castiel doesn’t know what he’s saying. He looks down at his feet.

Castiel could see the self-doubt and the pain and the sadness in Dean’s eyes, and he wants it gone. He steps forward and says, more firmly, “I want _you_ , Dean,”

Before Dean can say anything, Castiel grabs Dean’s chin, lifting his eyes back up, and gently presses their lips together. They move closer together, Dean holding onto Castiel’s shirt like he’d disappear if he let go, Castiel’s hands relocating to the sides of Dean’s head. He pulls back just enough to look into Dean’s eyes, murmuring against Dean’s lips: “and I always will.”

Dean lets out a near-silent whimper and closes his eyes as a tear rolls down his cheek. Someone (neither one can tell who) pulls the other closer and kisses him deeply, lips and tongues moving in sync until they have to pull away for air.

“You’re my 1 in 5 billion.” Castiel smiles. Dean rolls his eyes.

“Did you seriously just quote _X Files_ , Cas?”

“Maybe.” Dean barks out a laugh and Castiel feels burning warmth spread through him at the sight of the beautiful laughing man. He smiles softly and rubs Dean’s cheek with his thumb before sincerely saying “I love you, Dean.”

Castiel watches as Dean looks back at him with amazement and pure happiness radiating from his face. He sees Dean’s eyes take on a mischievous glint as the other man then smirks and says, “I know.”

“ _Star Wars_ , Dean, really?!”

As the sun finally sets in Chicago, Dean Winchester’s laughter can be heard from the street below.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done! Thank you guys so much for the kudos and the comments, I really hope you liked it! :)


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